u-me

Him

2012-01-30T19:41:00.003+08:00

He called me!!!

It's really happy to receive calls from him and knowing that he is still the same old pattern.

I told him that I came back to interior design line...

Can't wait to have a chance to meet up with him...

To show him that I'm different from the time he knew me...

But... I'm scared.

I scare that he will laugh at the way I looked now.

I scare that I'm no difference and I have not grown up to be a better me.

I care how he viewed me in his eyes...

I hope that I can have the chance to work with him again.

I realized... Something about myself.

Hope to meet up with him for a drink real soon.

She's gone

2012-01-29T00:47:00.001+08:00

我们分了。。。

太好了。。。

我不难过。。。

因为你不用再和我一起吃苦了。

你也可以终于为自己选择要的东西了。

就让我一个人堕落吧。

You

2012-01-27T11:56:00.004+08:00

You've told me once that you want to strive hard, to further studies so you can earn more money for my sake or for our future, and I replied you by saying I don't want you to further your studies because of me. I hope the reason is because of you want to upgrade yourself.

You studied hard and you did well... I know your capablities and I know you are capable. I remembered arguing with you about applying admin job at which environment till I understood that you have made up your mind to work at your mum's workplace.

I thought you were looking forward to apply a job at your mum's workplace so you can have a stable & better income upon graduation last mid Dec until I get to know the situation that they prefer recruiting people with diploma at local polytechnic.

I know that you are upset. I find it unfair that there is such prejudice by judging one's capabilities with the schools you went to. But it's okay. I encouraged you by telling you that the pay at other places can be quite attractive too. But you find me a nag so I kept quiet.

I thought you want to rest for half a month and start bucking up in Jan, so I waited. Knowning that Chinese New Year is quite near the corner so I guessed you might want to enjoy your last long unrestricted holidays till then.

But till now, I have not heard any updates from you about your job. I'm not being superficial here. I, myself don't earn much because this is the tough path I've chosen. I don't need you to work and earn alot to support me. I just need you to support yourself, that's good enough.

We don't have alot to spend, definately I will nag about spending too much and is that item worth spending. How long more do you want to sink into the unhappy truth? When can you stand on your feet?

We have a long path to walk... We both need alot of money in order to get a flat and have our own cosy hideout. I don't dare to peek at my CPF as I guess I will be more depress looking at the figure though I don't quite understand CPF at all.

Do you think we have a lot of time to spare? I'm 26 this year and I'm still in a situation, no difference from a foreign blangadash. I don't find you a burden at all. But I will take your burden onto mine if you don't take care of yourself. I can't always be here to take care of you. I need someone whom I can lean on, depend on when I need.

I have grown up and prepared to sacrifice any of our time being together just to earn more money for our future. You? Are you ready?

I am really happy that you cared for me while I was down with fever, flu and cough. I know you took good care of me when I was at your house. I joined you in family outing few days ago when I have not fully recovered. I know, I know. I insisted in joining myself because I want to spend more time with you while I can during my holidays. So no matter how sick I am, as long as I can walk, I will be beside you wherever you are.

I know that during the outing, your dad wanted to treat me for my dinner but I really can't find the things I want to eat. Instead of helping me to reject your dad all the way, you helped your dad to persuade me to eat which I have already told you the reason. I'm in such awkward position which it feels like my fault.

After which, your brother and your mum had some arguements and we splitted the groups into half. We shopped with your brother for his stuff in order to make him happy. During shopping, you left me walking alone trying to follow your pace as hard as I can in the terrible temperature. I felt upset.

Then, I walk in front of the both of you so I don't have to keep chasing. And when I turned, you were not there. I stood there searching and then I saw the both of you were looking at the the display of a store. You didn't even noticed I drifted off. Is it because I didn't whine about my unwell, you think that I could cope? Must I voice out to get your concern?

Same for yesterday, after our movie at vivo which ended around 1230am, you say you were hungry and asked if I want to go tiong barhu to grab a bite. I was like "ah? so late already..." But I tag along because you sulk when I sulk. So we took a cab, we past by my house, you did ask me that if I want to go home instead as I look tired in the cab. "Your suggestion came too late" I replied sacarstically. You sulk a little.

After that I cheered you up a little. When we reached 7-11, I told you I don't want to eat because I totally don't have any appetitie at all but you insist because I keep feeling giddy and weak. And I stubbornly reject, you were unhappy. I told you what I felt like eating each time and because they don't have & I don't feel like eating, it becomes my fault again.

I'm really not being picky over my food but I know that I will feel better if I can have that. All those you suggested is those I know I will feel sicky after I eat though you might not feel that way and it becomes my fault again.

It's getting late but you didn't suggest for me to go home to get more rest, we still play iphone games sitting outside. I can't take it longer so I said "Can I go home?" You startled. "Why not? you sound like as if I tied you here"

You passed me money for the cab but I rejected because I was quite angry and upset with you. And I was feeling really weak and tired, unwell and roaming outside at 115am.

I want to be with you as long as I can too. But I am unwell... I need rest. I'm seriously very tired...

Am I really so strong & independent in your eyes that I can take care of myself when I was hoping to depend on you or lean on you?

Sigh.

不快乐的累

2012-01-27T11:39:00.002+08:00

咳。。。

我累到我都不想把我的不快乐写出来了。。。

原來很簡單

2012-01-20T13:23:00.000+08:00

有一個人去應徵工作，隨手將走廊上的紙屑撿起來，放進了垃圾桶，
被路過的口試官看到了，因此他得到了這份工作。
原來獲得賞識很簡單，養成好習慣就可以了。

有個小弟在腳踏車店當學徒，有人送來一部故障的腳踏車，
小弟除了將車修好，還把車子整理的漂亮如新，其他學徒笑他多此一舉，
後來雇主將腳踏車領回去的第二天，小弟被挖角到那位雇主的公司上班。
原來出人頭地很簡單，吃點虧就可以了。

有個小孩對母親說：「媽媽你今天好漂亮。」母親回答：「為什麼。」
小孩說「因為媽媽今天都沒有生氣。」
原來要擁有漂亮很簡單，只要不生氣就可以了。

有個牧場主人，叫他孩子每天在牧場上辛勤的工作，
朋友對他說：「你不需要讓孩子如此辛苦，農作物一樣會長得很好的。」
牧場主人回答說：「我不是在培養農作物，我是在培養我的孩子。」
原來培養孩子很簡單，讓他吃點苦頭就可以了。

有一個網球教練對學生說：「如果一個網球掉進草堆裏，應該如何找？」
有人答：「從草堆中心線開始找。」
有人答：「從草堆的最凹處開始找。」
有人答：「從草最長的地方開始找。」
教練宣布正確答案：「按部就班的從草地的一頭，搜尋到草地的另一。」
原來尋找成功的方法很簡單，從一數到十不要跳過就可以了。

有一家商店經常燈火通明，
有人問：「你們店裡到底是用什麼牌子的燈管？那麼耐用。」
店家回答說：「我們的燈管也常常壞，祇是我們壞了就換而已。」
原來保持明亮的方法很簡單，只要常常更換就可以了

住在田邊的青蛙對住在路邊的青蛙說：「你這裡太危險，搬來跟我住吧！」
路邊的青蛙說：「我已經習慣了，懶得搬了。」
幾天後，田邊的青蛙去探望路邊的青蛙，卻發現他已被車子壓死，暴屍在馬路上。
原來掌握命運的方法很簡單，遠離懶惰就可以了。

有一隻小雞破殼而出的時候，剛好有隻烏龜經過，從此以後小雞就背著蛋殼過一生。
原來脫離沉重的負荷很簡單，放棄固執成見就可以了。

有幾個小孩很想當天使，上帝給他們一人一個燭臺，叫他們要保持光亮，
結果一天兩天過去了，上帝都沒來，所有小孩已不再擦拭那燭臺，
有一天上帝突然造訪，每個人的燭臺都蒙上厚厚的灰塵，
只有一個小孩大家都叫他笨小孩，因為上帝沒來，他也每天都擦拭，結果這個笨小孩成了天使。
原來當天使很簡單，只要實實在在去做就可以了。

有隻小豬，向神請求做祂的門徒，神欣然答應，剛好有一頭小牛由泥沼裡爬出來，
渾身都是泥濘，神對小豬說：「去幫他洗洗身子吧！」
小豬訝異的答道：「我是神的門徒，怎麼能去侍候那髒兮兮的小牛呢！」
神說：「你不去侍候別人，別人怎會知道，你是我的門徒呢！」
原來要變成神很簡單，只要真心付出就可以了。

有一支掏金隊伍在沙漠中行走，大家都步伐沉重，痛苦不堪，
只有一人快樂的走著，別人問：「你為何如此愜意？」
他笑著：「因為我帶的東西最少。」
原來快樂很簡單，擁有少一點就可以了。

人生的光彩在哪裡？
早上醒來，光彩在臉上，充滿笑容的迎接未來。
到了中午，光彩在腰上，挺直腰桿的活在當下。
到了晚上，光彩在腳上，腳踏實地的做好自己。
原來人生也很簡單，只要能懂得「珍惜、知足、感恩」你就擁有了生命的光彩

简简单单的我

2012-01-20T13:22:00.001+08:00

不知道大家會不會有這樣的感覺...　其實任何事都一樣　總是繞了一大圈之後又回到了最初的自我＠ˇ＠

所以人更應該懂得知足　而不是無止盡的追求深不見底的慾望　有時候最簡單　最原始的　最初的或許才是最好...

有些人或許常常在抱怨自己不夠快樂　不夠幸福　不夠富有　但其實你跌到谷底的時候不滿足　飛到雲端還是會不滿足...

當然我的意思並是說這一大圈是白繞了　而是應該抱著美好的心情去追尋自己的可能性　而不是總是怨天尤人
就算會回到原點　也還是走了一遭　任何喜怒哀樂都是你的回憶...

跌了跤也好　遇到挫折失敗也好　回頭看看自己的原點　那最簡單的生活　其實並沒有那麼糟　對吧？

Just another side of me

2011-12-31T15:52:00.003+08:00

What do each and everyone of you want from me?

Just because I'm easy-going in the past. I don't mind anything doesn't means anything.

I'm tired of being easy-going and make everyone happy.

I want to be a selfish person.

I want to make myself happy only.

I'm tired of being a clown.

And just because I stop making people happy, I give them an unhappy stuck up face, I am in the wrong.

What the heck is this?

Just because I seems to be happy-go-lucky, I can't have my own issues and problems?

I can't show my stuck up face around when I'm unhappy?

Stay off my boundary.

I had given too much trust and patience to be raised and shattered into pieces.

I had enough of getting close with anyone because there is practically no one you can trust.

Before the internal wars I have between both of my souls end, I won't want to communicate or meet anyone.

I'll piss everyone off just to get a little hideout I can seek some comfort.

Now shoo!

做个讨厌的人

2011-12-30T23:20:00.003+08:00

我累了。

我不想再做好人了。

我想要和全世界的人吵架，让他们讨厌我。

我才会比较舒服。

我想消失。

让他们讨厌我，他们就不会想和我来往。

我也可以消失的比较平静。

Parents

2011-12-23T11:07:00.004+08:00

How many times do you still want to do this? It's really very tired and fucking stress up talking or even living with both of you do you ever know that?

You always wanted me to come home early just for the sake of whatever reasons it may be.

Your loneliness...
My safety...
Your peace or comfort to able to sleep...

But I can never find complete peace at home!

Everytime you would want to know what I'm doing or asking me to join you in your activity. And if I don't, you give me the face of rejected loneliness which makes me feel guilty.

It's not that I don't want to accompany you but we really can't get along. We haven't really spoken much about anything which helps us to understand each other. I'm trying here to understand your reasons for every actions you did. But you? You just judge me using your meter of being YOUR obedient kid or otherwise.

I'm not a dog! I'm not YOUR dog.

I didn't disregard you as my parents. But we are all different from one another that's what makes us an INDIVIDUAL. You give birth to me doesn't means that I must be like you or any of my brothers. Seriously, this has nothing got to do with generation gaps. It's your thinkings and stubbornness which brings us futher apart from each other.

You want me to work as a clerk or any job which has stable income from 9-5 so that I can get more rest and need not worry about financial for now & future.

You want me to get a boyfriend and settle down in marriage and bear a kid for you so that you are relief that I'm being taken care of.

You want me to come home as early as I can, whenever I can so that you are sure that I'm safe and gets enough rest.

BUT ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT ME TO DO DOES NOT BRING ME ANY HAPPINESS OR PEACE!

You want me to work as a clerk or any job which has stable income from 9-5 so that I can get more rest and need not worry about financial for now & future.
(But I went to work as a Site coordinator with no fixed working time & low income at the moment. I know that this is what I have wanted after trying out so many jobs. I know that this career has prospect and I can succeed in this industry. Instead of giving encouragement to boost me to walk past the tough intial stage, you show me faces and discourage me with all your words of saying that I will fail)

You want me to get a boyfriend and settle down in marriage and bear a kid for you so that you are relief that I'm being taken care of.
(But I fell in love with a girl which is a big taboo to your traditional thinkings. You told me that I will get AIDS and all the uncurable disease and it's only a moment of spur. You said that I got with her because I want to spike you for all the things you are against me.

Dad & Mum, I have been with her together for full 8 years coming to 9. This is not stability? This is just a spur of a moment or actions just to spike you? You just can't accept the fact. That's fine for me. Because I understand your thoughts. That's why I had an arguement wit you 1year ago by agreeing to your words of anger of disregarding me as your daughter.

I know I broke you heart at that moment but I have really went to deep thoughts about it that this is really the best solution as not to make you angry. In the end we just soften the situation by escaping the topic with our hearts clearly knows that it's not resolved.

Dad & Mum, being with a guy or having a husband does not ensure that I will find my happiness or peace. And with a SHE or being alone doesn't means that I'm not well taken care. I can still have kids and a happy family.)

You want me to come home as early as I can, whenever I can so that you are sure that I'm safe and gets enough rest.
(But I always come home as late as I did and gets out of house as early as I need. You scolded me that I treat my home as a hotel. In a way it does feels like that. But the difference is that, I pay for the price for peace.

At home I don't have to pay but I can't find peace. At hotel or anywhere else to stay, I have to pay or fork out from my pathetic pay BUT I can find peace. Isn't this ironic that I can't find peace at my own home?

Okay, not totally can't. At least in the middle of the night after both of you went to bed, where I am alone with my son, peace will be shining upon me. Though sometimes once or twice, you will appear at my room entrance like a ghost spoiling my peace meditation.)

Just because I did the otherwise, you regard me as a rebellious, naughty, incorrigible child...

Hey Mum & Dad, I do drink alcholic drinks but not till the extend of making myself so drunk that I need someone to send me home. I don't smoke. I don't take drugs. I don't go clubbing like it's my hangout. I don't tattoo. (though I'm tempted) & I don't even dye my hair like a weirdo. (no offence to anyone but parent's mindset is always "dyed hair colour (striking red, blonde, green, whatever) = gangster")

Am I really a bad person? Hello? I don't even kill an ant and I'm labelled as a bad person? What kind of a joke is this?

To anyone who is reading there, do you think that I'm being too much for ASKING permission to overnight, 2 days in advance for Christmas celebration? No! I don't think that I'm being unreasonable for REQUESTING that when I only overnight thrice a year at most.

I seriously don't know what's your persistance of keeping me at home. I overnight at friend's house, I can still SMS you when you are worried. (though there is really nothing to worried about) and you can sleep early so that you won't have to wait for me till late night feeling grouchy and sleepy.

Did you ever realise that you need to listen to what I'm trying to tell you & accepting me for who I am & stop forcing me to become who you want me to be?

Everyone is individual because they have their path of life which they have to walk. You are guiding them to learn how to walk their paths and not commanding them to take whichever roads that they are facing. That applies not only to parent-child but also to friends-friends relationship.

I'm really very helpless & stressed knowing that we have such a big problem between us. Can we talk a solution out as a whole family & fixed on a solution or conclusion? Please don't leave the time bomb there lying around. Either explode it or dismantle it. I don't know how long I have to wait for this heaviest rock to be lifted from my heart and die in peace.

Or I will just breakdown and died in vain eventually... Sigh.

不想回家就去流浪吧

2011-12-12T21:27:00.003+08:00

对世界的每一个任何东西都累了。

对世界的每一人也累了。

累了。

流浪是最舒服的避风港。

音乐是最温柔的聆听者。

海风是最体贴地拥抱。

孤独是最自由的独立。

离开吧。

None will understand

2011-12-11T00:54:00.002+08:00

No one needs anyone to understand him at all cause eventually they still can't understand because they are not in his shoes and they are not him.

I will pull through this alone. Because I'm always alone. I don't need your support afterall you aren't being supportive too. You only want what you want... And even if it makes me unhappy, you still insist what you think is best for me and not what I want.

Someday I will leave in pain but I'll soar up high like an eagle who's often being seen as lonely.

I should have get use to being with only myself.

理直气壮

2011-12-09T10:03:00.002+08:00

有时候我不讲理的理直气壮不是因为我任性，而是对自己的一种伪装。

Letter of prayer for time

2011-12-08T12:22:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

I pray for time myself to work hard in making arrangements and tidying up the paper works. I need your help greatly. I'm sincere in my prayers. I promised I will do it. Please give me time under the works of your magic miraclulously.

Yours Sincercly,
Amen

Support wrong decision

2011-12-06T14:56:00.002+08:00

If I wish to make a wrong decision after much considerations... Will you support me?

I did told myself to be a little patient for year end to come as next year will be better...

It could have been all my fault that things turned out this way...

But... I wish to make the wrong decision...

Because by making that wrong decision, then everything can start afresh.

Wishes

2011-12-06T12:27:00.002+08:00

Wish that I have a car... *strike that out* changed mind.

Wish that I have better income.

Wish that I have a proper life.

Wish that I can travel.

Wish that I can be with my son.
(dear son, though you are not by my side and I have been neglecting your calls, I hope that you can 帮你妈妈打气. I love you)

Wish that I have more time to do personal things.

Wish that things can work out for my friends.

Wish that I feel more peaceful.

Too much

2011-12-06T12:05:00.003+08:00

I have many thoughts that is in my mind right now. But whenever I wish to write it down, it's gone.

Not that I have forgotten but... It's just too much to be written down.

At this moment right now...

I don't wish to open my mouth for any reasons.

Extra added: shall post many random thoughts today

我得离开一会儿

2011-11-29T22:39:00.001+08:00

我真的需要离开你了。

我需要去过一下没有你的日子。

给你的话

2011-11-28T00:34:00.004+08:00

开始的你，对我没有信。

我的一切你都会去怀疑。

你怀疑我的所有，

也包括了我对你的真心。

我能谅解你，

也能体谅你。

我早已习惯这些冷眼冷语、

假情假意。

后来，你发现了我的重要性。

你对我的信任多了一滴滴。

你把当初的怀疑转换成压力。

一点一点累计，随时往我身上淋。

渐渐的，我开始凋零。

不像刚开始的有求必应。

你不能理解，你不相信，

你给的压力，其实也是一种武器。

你那无形的武器，

剥夺了我的笑容，我的心。

剥夺了我的魂魄，我的命。

留下了枯萎，弥漫在空气。

如果这是你要的结局，

为了自己，

牺牲我的灵，

我没有选择的余地。

我会永远记得那里，

残留着我的心。

和你的经历

我都会好好珍惜。

我到底有什么是比别人强？

2011-11-28T00:03:00.002+08:00

我到底有什么是比别人强的技能？

唱歌？不。

跳舞？不。

画画？不。

游泳？不。

我就只是整理东西比别人强罢了。

去做女佣吧！（你是白痴吗？）

自信不见了？

2011-11-27T23:18:00.004+08:00

以前的我总爱学东学西。

想要学的东西总是没有一个句点。

我曾经想要学life guard，唱歌，吉他，钢琴，跳舞等。
（我有个朋友，他几乎都会了我想要学的所有。我真的超羡慕他的。）

之后有了工作，我把其他的统统都删掉只剩下唱歌，吉他，钢琴，跳舞。

总会想象自己学会了之后站在舞台上很有自信的表演的时候。

那种感觉好满足。

但因为经济和时间的关系，我停止了超梦想的计划。

但我不是放弃。

我只是想要在我的工作上付出100%的全力。

现在我想想。。。

我还是想学但不是因为想要上台了。

我不想表演了。

我从一个像要去比赛，上台表演，到不想表演。。。

发现了一个pattern。

我为什么不想表演了?

我为什么不想赢比赛了？

我拥有强烈的好胜心。我也有强烈的表演欲望。

但。。。

为什么不见了？

是自信不见了吗？

我在工作上看不到要争取的目标。

给自己的小小目标还是有的。

我是个边工作边娱乐的人。

我一定要两个同时一起手牵着手地进行我才可以在工作上走得更远。

但现在工作剥夺了我的时间，我的精力。

我没办法娱乐。

无所谓。反正我也没钱。

不知道啦！

是我太贪心吗？

我不觉得。

乱写了一通，不要理我。

我的小小世界

2011-11-19T20:12:00.006+08:00

我好喜欢现在这样。。。

在热闹的城市里、
坐着巴士／地铁前进、
穿越繁忙的人群里、
不必与别人交谈的心情，
戴着headphone,
调整音量大到听不到外面的世界
让耳边不停播着。。。
能够让自己沦陷在
只有自己的世界里的歌。

我好喜欢现在这样。。。

开心到笑

2011-11-04T11:03:00.002+08:00

今天的我在睡醒后还是有点闷闷的。

一早起床就看我最近在追的「终极三国」。

在床上看，站着看，走着也看。

最后坐在梳妆台面前看。

看着看着，我把视线转到镜子中的我。

我笑了！我对镜子中的我打了声招呼，一个简单的微笑。

慢慢的，不知怎么了，我越笑越开心。

洗澡时在微笑，发简讯时在笑，做什么事都在微笑。
（因为想起你了）

前往巴士站的路上，有个可爱的小男孩不知觉得跟着我走的路线慢跑。🏃

我以为我挡到他的路了便走去一旁，让他以他快乐的小小步伐跑过我。

但他没有这样做。

我走向左边，他就跟向左边。

我走向右边，他就跟向右边。

好可爱哦！一瞬间我觉得我想他的姐姐似的。

我微笑了。

之后电台播了首快乐的歌，📻

虽然不是我喜欢的歌之一，

但是我微笑了。

之后我遇到了小黑猫。

可爱的小黑猫向我打招呼。＂瞄＂

我又微笑了。

今天我是吃错药了吧。

那个药的名字叫「一＂件＂你就笑」。

-冷场- 😄

不见了

2011-11-03T16:21:00.001+08:00

这一切的一切所累积下来的所有已经抹去了我脸上的笑容。

暂时是回不来了。。。

笑容、快乐。。。

不见了。

多姿多彩的生活

2011-11-01T19:15:00.003+08:00

我的生活很多姿多彩。。。

每时每刻都充满了彩虹的颜色。🌈

此刻。。。

在紫色的天空下，
我带着蓝色的心情、
橙色的健康状态、
绿色的脸，
正在褐色泥土的环境，
进行着我红色步伐的工作。
期待着白色的光明让我解脱，
让我带着粉红色的心情
走向灿烂的黄色光芒里。

Ps: 我不是故意乱编内容来配合彩虹的颜色。这些都是真实地感受。

社会僵尸

2011-11-01T17:30:00.002+08:00

这真的是我要的吗？

我看回一往写的日记。

好像每次到了project的尾声我都会有很大的压力。

我都会闷闷不乐。

这真的是我要的生活吗？

这真的是我的理想工作吗？

烦。

我只想拥有属于自己的时间。

这世界的人已经没有一个会去appreciate别人的了。

都变成自私鬼。变成take others for granted的魔鬼了。

服务业的人，心和魂已不在了。

大家都是社会的僵尸。

而只剩我一人。

难吃的心

2011-11-01T15:40:00.002+08:00

怎么我吃着小贩中心排长龙的面却觉得一点也不好吃。

其他每个人都吃的津津有味。

是面不合我的味吗？

还是我真的病了？

应该是我心情太差。

放弃吗？

2011-11-01T11:55:00.003+08:00

＂这样的磨练是必然的，以后你可能也会这样忙碌。＂

我有点想放弃进步了。

我有点想放弃让自己可能有提升薪水的机会了。

我不想做个遇到问题只会逃避的人。

或许我根本就只是一个自以为负责人，怕麻烦的人吧。

没有不甘心也没有失落感。

我有点想放弃了。。。

:(

2011-10-30T20:47:00.002+08:00

I need...

I want...

But I can't...

I've done a bad job...

But I'm so reluctant to work...

Unhappy. :(

Tired prayer

2011-10-25T12:58:00.002+08:00

I am so tired... So tired till I can just fall asleep at any place & position which is able to let me feel comfort & at ease.

'big cat' is coming over to jobsite later... Hope that I don't get scoldings from her though I think I will be getting.

Praying hard...

"Dear GOD, can you hear a tiny prayer from the tired me?"

24-10-11: Thoughts 02

2011-10-24T12:05:00.003+08:00

I hope you are here beside me... But I didn't want to see you during my work hours.

I can't always seek for comfort or console or hide into your arms whenever obstacle comes face to face with me.

I need to stand up and get back to fight.

But I don't know how to make myself feel better to continue the war...

To continue to fight well and survive through Wednesday till 'Big Cat' is back.

I am 100% sure that I will get scolded by her when she is back.

I don't think I have handled everything well as I thought it would be.

Do I need a break?

Not really.

What do I need?

I don't know.

What do I want?

Time for myself away from work.

How long?

I don't know.

But I don't think I deserve any time for myself for such performance.

I deserve nothing.

24-10-11: Thoughts 01

2011-10-24T11:13:00.003+08:00

A designer is not allowed to cry when things gets cork up or haywire.

They should remain calm and handle the situation & solve things properly.

Is it a must for all designers to take in the unnecessary anger from people when it wasn't their fault entirely?

Why must I apologize to please other people when it's not my fault?

I really feel like crying out or to let out my unbearable emotions.

But I can't... I can't! I can't! I can't!

I can't...

Must all designers swallow their negative emotions and cause them to have internal injury?

If that's the case...

I guess really no job nor career is suitable for such a person like me who has a terrible stuck up stubborn attitude!

What is wrong with the people in the world?

I should have die yesterday while the world is still have some memorable worth!

11-10-11: Thoughts 01

2011-10-11T09:24:00.001+08:00

做工的人好假。。。

全部都要做好人。。。

我也是在做好人，

所以我也很假。。。

我的无助。。。

2011-09-25T16:27:00.009+08:00

我的心情一点也不好。

我的处境一点也不好。

我什么都不想做，什么都不想说。
我只想做一些不需要动脑筋的，就像盲目的乱看电视节目。

我感觉好无奈。。。什么也做不到，也没有一个对的对象诉说我的处境。

我需要一位聆听者。

一位可以给我帮助我自己思考的意见的人。

工作让我觉得好无助。

“师傅”想要在预定的日期完成这项任务。。。

或许是可以的但被我搞砸了，或许是客户的要求太多导致延迟。。。

但我清楚的知道是不可能在预定的日期完成这项任务了。

“师傅”会觉得是我的错吧。

我做事情挺blur的。也会常常忘东忘西。

她严厉的教导我的错误，我没话说。

但我真的又用心去做。

我担心这个project已经有两个礼拜了。

每时每刻都在担心。

就连睡梦中也在担心。

我不想吃东西。

我对任何事情一点兴趣都没有。

我不知道饿的时候我放进嘴里的是什么美食。

我不知道我洗澡的时候都在洗刷什么。

我不知道现在的时间因为我每时每刻都在赶时间。

虽然“师傅”会关心我的健康和我聊天但是我不会把我的一点点心情不好或我的压力大和她说。

我的个性和仓鼠很像- 我不会把我的受伤告诉别人。

可能我还是不信任别人吧，我也不喜欢麻烦别人。

因为心情不好或压力大而影响工作对我来说都是借口。

“我不喜欢把我的软弱呈现给别人看。。。”

前几天，“兔兔”介绍我看了台湾的一个谈话性节目[非关命运]里面的一个话题：‘孩子出柜’。

看了节目后我好想放声的哭。

这时我才知道原来我一直都放不下这个我一直背在肩膀上的大石头。

原来我真得非常希望爸妈的支持。

或许是家里的教育吧。

做错事就会被骂，做对事情是理所当然的，把事情做超好就是你开窍了。

从来都不会听到称赞声，只会听到冷水被泼下来的声音罢了。

他们从来都没有认同过我的工作与情感。

所以就算现在我在工作上有多大的压力，我都不能说。

我的人生里都好像一直在孤军作战。我没有一个可以倾诉的对象。

我会认为别人都不是真心帮助你的。

他们不会有耐心忍受你的别扭。

不要把你的烦恼拿来麻烦别人了啦。

不敢期望以免带来失望。

渐渐的。。。

我变得可能不习惯和别人了我的心事。

我变得不让别人看到我软弱的一面。

我变得非常defensive。我对别人所说的话的反应是：先反驳。

我可能害怕不被别人认同。

我害怕没人支持我。

我非常需要你的耐心、真心与支持。你能受得了我吗？

13-09-11: Thoughts 04

2011-09-13T23:48:00.002+08:00

Feeling a little upset by the fact that... I'm actually the person who hurts and restricts myself the most when I always claim that I love myself the most.

I missed my Pisces too... Capricorn is being too protective over her...

I guessed because she was too hurt in the past by showing her true self and thus resulted in extra protection from her other self.

Feeling much better after a let-out cry...

How should I do it? How???

How can I be more flexible?

How can I be faster?

How can I switch to Pisces when dealing with people & switch to Capricorn for paper work & sorting of info...

How can I be better?

Feel like crying somemore but tears have stopped.

It will be good if there is someone by my side telling me some things I should listen now...

I need you... Where are you?

13-09-11: Thoughts 03

2011-09-13T14:15:00.003+08:00

It wasn't a bad day afterall!

After a stressful morning, I embark my journey towards a new project site located not far away from my house.

I struggled through the the journey as my tummy was making a concert that could make me bend down and surrender to the temption around me.

Luckily I still have my Chinese mooncake to pull me through.

After given a task by 'Big Cat', I sat down at that very windy corner stairs, which I may look a little pathetic from anyone's eyes who exits the lift, and wait paitiently for the client to come.

And there! Someone exits the lift while I was playing my game on my iPhone. Trying not to look so pathetic like a little kid waiting for her mother, I sit up straight immediately like a hamster who has just saw its owner walked past.

A slim guy with funky hairstyle, artist mostache, wearing sunglasses and carrying a comfy bagpack smiled at me.

"He must be the client!" I thought.

And so I went up to him introducing myself and to my surprise, he sounded extremely friendly.

From the conversation, he disclosed that he was a writer who just converted himself into a free-lance.

"WOW! OMG!"

I can't believe that I'm actually talking to a writer!

That's so cool!

My instant thought was this: "I should watch my language and use as much vocabulary as I know so my conversation wouldn't sound so boring."

Hahaha...

Thankfully, I have been brushing up on some reading and blog writing.

Ended the conversation well and so is my work for the day.

Hurray!

13-09-11: Thoughts 02

2011-09-13T11:29:00.005+08:00

Though work is not that smooth today and I was so stressed just now till I almost break down in front of sub-con...

But I managed to pull through...

I dislike arguments... Especially when I know it can be settled in a much simpler manner.

"I am a team with them on a partnership with you." - this is what I hope I can still remember when I'm a boss myself someday.

Surprisingly today's anger management is well done till this moment.

And I know I can handle it.

At this moment, I thought of that someone...

Though you may not know this, but I regard you as my dad, my senior, my guidance...

And also an idol...

I work hard towards your standard, to be logical, quick at thinking and good at all areas.

I hope to meet you coincindentally someday just to share with you how well I have grown into becoming a better coordinator...

But I don't have the courage yet...

Because I hope that I can show you the best side of me...

I know I can do it someday...

Because I'm your daughter...

13-09-11: Thoughts 01

2011-09-13T08:13:00.008+08:00

Good morning world!

Feeling so groggy today... It feels as if I have just regain my conscious from a wizard's spell.

Feeling so stone...

I can't seems to be able to think fast nor act fast today.

Seems as if I have gotten myself out of a mist of slow-moving gas which the whole world is moving except me.

The feeling of vomitting is also hovering over my chest which makes me feels more sick than usual, harder to be at work than usual.

Hope work goes well for me today... Pray hard!

26-08-11: Thoughts 01

2011-08-26T10:28:00.002+08:00

"Egor! I miss you so much right now!"

"How I wish I can stroke your little head while you are sleeping comfortably in your favorite weather."

" I also wish that I can have a few moments looking at you eating happily at your food & snacks."

"How nice it would be if you can be by my side while I'm doing my paper work."

- I miss my son...

守护天使 ﹣ 熊猫版

2011-08-25T10:41:00.006+08:00

“终于做完了！”

我拖着疲惫酸痛的身子和那双已经打不开又死死眼神的眼睛爬到床上。

"墨"也一直在电话中陪着我熬夜。。。

聊了一会儿，我们便把电话挂了。因为我已经在有问无答的状态中。

－
今早起身时，我看到"墨"在Facebook喜欢了我的照片。

诶！那是早上的时间哦！我便发了个简讯给她。

果然还没睡！

“还没睡？这么喜欢做我的守护天使啊？小心以后你变成守护熊猫了！”

“有关联吗？”

“现在可能看不出来有什么关联，以后就有了。。。”

"墨"笑了。

－

我很开心也很幸福，因为我有一个爱我的守护天使！

Tied-up Route

2011-08-24T11:56:00.005+08:00

This is the route of the day...

1. Hougang (pass cheque to Tiler)
2. Punggol (check works & defects)
3. Bukit Merah (lunch with dear)
4. Funan IT Mall (check out printer cum scanner - if time allows)
5. Office @ Little India (if I really have excess time)
6. Punggol (meet client for handing over)

What kind of route is this???

I'm going up & down the MRT route to different places and it's so not efficient.

Why can't it be...

1. Bukit Merah (lunch with dear)
2. Funan IT Mall (check out printer cum scanner if excess time from lunch)
3. Office @ Little India (if I really have excess time)
4. Hougang (pass cheque to Tiler)
5. Punggol (check works & defects)
6. Punggol (meet client for handing over)

It sounds more logical right???!!!

Too bad, tiler's time cannot be adjusted and he needs the cheque today & I need to complete my task by asking him to sign acknowledgment of receiving the cheque.

So... Everything is planned in the illogical way.

And because of such situation, I would like to discuss with 墨 about the change & finalized plan for the day BUT...

I couldn't contact her...

I really don't mind if I have a car to run this errand even for half of the day.

BUT I DON'T HAVE IT!

I got some paper work to be done and all this can be done if time is not wasted on travelling around...

I feel so tied up in the situation right now that I almost cried out.

Time...

2011-08-22T02:10:00.003+08:00

I haven't been sleeping well for the past 1 week...

I can't remember when was the last time I slept...

It's not really that kind of feeling where you are suffering from insomnia.

But rather that kind you don't even know that you actually slept...

It's not that I got so tired that I got unconscious either.

It's more like waking up with a realization that you actually slept last night with totally no idea how you did it.

I have so many things undone, waiting impatiently for me to execute it.

But time is so little...

You say that I have been spending too much time in the day & night for piano.

Indeed alot of time was spent just to record a simple song which I have composed.

It is worthwhile but too much time was taken up at that portion as I'm not a good pianist & I do get nervous knowing that I got to perform for the recording without making any mistake.

It's really not easy!

And now it's like 2:30am Monday morning. I'm not sleepy & I can't do much of the remaining chores in the middle of the night.

I can't sleep either.

I want to wash hamster cage, feed it.

I want to do my documentation for work.

I want to bath.

I'm not suppose to finish up 1 big packet of chips which I plan to kill my crave over the weeks whenever I feel like biting.

But I ate almost 90% of the whole pack and I feel damn fat.

What's more is I want to go for swimming & in the end I end up rotting myself at home wasting time which I seriously have no idea where it went & I ate so much chips!

I don't know how long I must endure to be able to survive well in my career to get rest & good money.

I don't have doubts for my capabilities but right now I need some time to arrange my things.

Sigh.

Is there problem surfacing in my time management?

I can't think.

I feel useless & moody.

SUPER sianz...

2011-07-09T14:04:00.000+08:00

Sian Sian Sian Sian Sian Sian Sian Sian Sian Sian....

不明白也都不懂

2011-06-27T23:34:00.002+08:00

工作上有好多东西我真的不明白。。。

我真的不明白。。。

为什么漂亮师姐一旦遇到麻烦事就好像耳朵和脑袋装了隔离器。。。用最容易地方式，随便地解决问题。

就少赚一点钱把问题漂亮的解决不是更好吗？

为什么她遇到的屋主都蛮好的却得不到更好的待遇？

我真的不明白为什么要这样。。。

明明是做橱的橱工却好像做杂工的帮她跑腿？

不能否是很方便但这是不对的啊！

我真的不懂。。。

如何在工作上和她沟通。。。

如何跟上她那好像泥鳅般的脚步。。。

我虽然不是很新的新人但也不能在什么也不知道的情况下做我该做的事啊！

我如果提出走。。。我加入了师傅继续学习，我好像有点忘恩负义。但是待在那里的话，每当我问漂亮师姐有没有工作的时候，她都不回复我。

我真的不懂该不该拿这个月的工钱。

＂墨＂说我应该拿，因为不是我不要做而是漂亮世界不要给嘛～

也对啦。。。但是我对不起良心。。。对我来说，没有做就不应该拿。

不懂啦！！！好乱啊！！！

无意的认同

2011-06-20T19:07:00.006+08:00

＂你很好啊，为什么漂亮师姐不要把site给你顾呢？＂

听到师父说的话，一时之间还没了解他的话。。。

回神后才发现。。。师父好像是在称赞我耶！！！

原来我是有potential的！

原来我我是可以的！

我被称赞了！

那无意的一句话，如今在我耳边回旋着。。。

对我来说，被自己喜欢的老师认同自己的实力。。。是在工作或学校最棒的奖励！

我不需要奖学金或加工资。

我只想要被认同、不被忽略、有机会好好学习跟表现，那就可以了！

这时的我，眼眶有点湿湿的。

感动的泪水在疲惫的眼里打滚。。。

我会继续加油努力的！

饿鬼之撑死的爽

2011-06-20T11:28:00.009+08:00

昨天不知发生了什么事，一整天都好饿。。。

一直吃吃吃，吃不停。

整整一天里，我一共吃了五餐。

是的。一共吃了五餐。

吃下的食物包括：
一包酿豆腐粿条、几片巧克力、半包快熟面、一杯冰淇淋、一碗粥配午餐肉，蛋，腊肠，菜、两包零食、一碗otah、一个cheese面包、一碗卤面口味的快熟面。
（很多吧？！）

冲凉时我还笑自己已经怀孕几个月才能有如此大的肚子呢。

结果就这样撑着一个圆圆的大肚子入眠。

今天一早，起床的第一件事就便看看自己的肚子是否有变小了一点。。。

还真的有耶

但不久后，肚子开始有稍稍的痛了起来。

上厕所的时候到啦！

虽然不是平常的＂三天一次＂，但我并不觉得不舒服。

。。。过了十五分钟。。。

哈哈！真是舒畅啊！

那圆圆的肚子里塞满的量好像消失了。

肚子的size又回到了和平是一样。

我知道这样的吃法好像不是很好，但是。。。

还挺爽的哦！嘻嘻！^^

Fly dreams fly~

2011-06-15T12:30:00.000+08:00

There is so much more for me to go in my career and my dreams... Got to work super hard towards all... Though I have might have time to do it but some things will not be forever waiting for you..

p.s: 墨, will you let me go fly toward my dreams?

2011-06-06T12:48:00.001+08:00

我要开开心心，充实的过每一天！谢谢93.3FM说了那么多笑话让我的一天超有阳光！

出发了！

2011-06-06T12:08:00.001+08:00

我要找回我的独立！我要重新开始起飞了！

工作上的鼓励！

2011-06-06T11:38:00.002+08:00

漂亮师姐 -
10.11.10 @ 1411: So looking 4ward to work with u again! Hope tis time we can make it work!
10.11.10 @ 1419: Yap pls give yourself tis 1 year and prove everyone wrong tat u actually can be a designer not number one but the best one!

305B -
11.05.11 @ 1549: Hi may, we receive your greeting cards, thanks alot for your thoughtfulness. We are glad to know you. And hope to see you around soon. Take care! From Dan and law :)

你还会接受我吗？

2011-04-21T12:27:00.007+08:00

我.真心.

我会给人很难接近的感觉了吗？

我什么时候开始反驳人家所说的话？

我的乐观和开朗的天性跑去了哪里？

是社会的人把我变成这样的吗？

是不是别人也被骗多了，不再轻易相信别人，所以也以他以前所经历的对待回应我吗？

同时也粉碎了我的童心，热情与天真。。。

朋友.

我可以很坦白的对最好的朋友承认我对她曾有evil thoughts。但她还会接受我吗？

我不相信没有人会一直抱着天使的想法对待每个人。应该说我再也不相信了。。。

对我来说，对朋友的evil thoughts是，在我比较穷的时候自动的请我吃饭或私底下对她的不满没诚实的告诉她罢了。。。我不会开口要求她请我吃饭，就算她没有请我吃饭，我当然也不会翻脸。只是想想罢了。

我可以说我是绝对不会出卖朋友的。

最近我剃了个头，样子不是大家眼里的漂亮小姐了。。。

朋友给我的反应很多种，我自己觉得从朋友的反应可以知道你在她心里的地位。当然，朋友有什么好抢地位的？我说的是从朋友的反应可以知道她可以接受你这个人到什么程度。

原来不是每个合得来/了解你的朋友就是好朋友哦！

从前我常常希望自己有一位好朋友，好姐妹，一位无所不谈的死党。

我还会天真地想“她和我又一样的想法，我们有很合拍，做姐妹一定没问题”

我甚至天真到还想对她说“我们做姐妹吧！”

但我发现一切所说得都只是说说而已。。。

‘墨’跟我说过姐妹着这种东西是自然而然的，不用特意去找的。。。

对~ 我当时看开了点。。。但也并非完全看开。直到朋友对我GI头的反应，我才真正明白他所说的话。

心理测验说我这一生中只会有一两个好朋友。。。

以前我抱着半信半疑的态度记得这句话，现在我抱着微笑的态度看看它是否会灵验。:)

我最好的朋友‘水’。。。

如果我让你进入了内心的我，让你看到了我的全面目。。。你还会接受我这个朋友吗？

感情里的之前之后。。。

2011-03-29T00:56:00.004+08:00

当你暗恋我的时候，若我难过，你会试着了解我的处境、心情并以最体贴的话语来安慰我。。。

当我们处于暧昧的阶段时，你会以你所能来讨好我，让我成为世上最开心的人。。。

当我们刚交往时，你会觉得我的一切是你眼里的最。。。最可爱、最完美、最善解人意。不论是多大的错，你都会站在我的立场为我着想，原谅我的过错，温柔的改正我。。。

交往了一段日子。。。我们从里到外的彼此了解了对方后。。。

若我难过，你会先对我唠叨几句才来安慰我。。。

在特别的日子时，才以你所能来讨好我，让我成为世上最开心的人。。。

有时候，我的在你眼里的最。。。好像消失了。只是小小的错，你会对我唠叨，叹气的忍耐我的过错，责备的改正我。。。

当然你常常还是会想念我，希望我常常陪在你身边。。。我也希望能够常常陪在你身边。。。

但你以后会不会开始觉得我烦你了？或你看腻了？

人往往都是不懂得感恩于珍惜的动物。。。

偶尔回想一下刚开始的时候的那种过程，并常常保持着那种心情吧

记得常常向你最爱的他说我爱你哦！

upset...

2011-03-20T01:27:00.002+08:00

why does saddness always comes after a bunch of happiness?

why didnt you pick up my call when i waited so long with loneliness just to hear your voice & to chat with you?

why didnt you give me chance to explain the reason for the tone i spoke to you which spoils your mood the moment i picked up your call?

i know i am stupid to cry over such little things...

i know i am having mood swings because of my 'big day' coming...

but i just can't help to feel sad & my tears just can't help to stop flowing out the moment i was being left alone at this moment i need you so much & i couldn't explain to you why i make you mad. (if you are really angry about my tone)

i don't like to be left alone...

when i need you to calm me down...
when i really misses you alot...
when i stay up just waiting the moment to chat with you...

can you please stop torturing me & pick up my call?

* ~ Happy Wishes Day ~ *

2011-03-06T01:31:00.003+08:00

if God ever tells me this...

"may, i can grant you a wish, anything you wish, on your birthday as a present to you this year... (i guess i will smile widely by the time i hear this)
.
.
.

... but you got to give me something of yours in return for the wish. what will you wish for?"

i think i will just answer...

"God... if this wish is only valid for a year or even just a day, i would wish for 1 million singapore dollars..."

God: "ok~ and what will you give me in return for this wish of yours? hmm.."

me: "i will give you my birthday cake in exchange... can? pretty please? it's my birthday..." *grin widely*

i bet God will tell me... "sure~ anything for you my child... in your dreams..."

happy wishes day to me~ ^_^

我想像我偶像。。。

2011-02-24T12:26:00.005+08:00

我觉得现在这个时刻因该会是今天最开心的一刻。

现在的我正在家里吃着我的午餐 - 云吞汤、听着FM Y.E.S 93.3 - 为你熬夜、在MSN和g.wei和siti聊天。。。

和siti聊偶像。。。几句话我觉得很inspiring。

"i guess everyone dont have a specific idol" - siti.s

"den she like to be with charities， sporting, kind, humble so basically she is like my only idol. haha. i didnt reallie study her but those qualities enough to please me..." - siti.s

偶像的定义不是你有多喜欢他，也不是你有多了解他。我觉得偶像的定义是只要他有地方能让你欣赏就够了。

有时候莫位朋友也可以是你的偶像哦！

我要努力把今天预定的目标达成！